Where Did All the Sex Go?
In almost every relationship I’ve ever had, the crazy fun sex we had at the beginning gradually became routine, then almost nonexistent. This is a situation I was NOT content with.
When I talk to unhappily married people, or to people who have been through a divorce, this theme is almost universal. People stop having sex. Why is this? And what can we do about it? And if you’re ok with little or no sex, that’s cool. But I wonder….are you, really?
I hear often that we just can’t expect a crazy sex life years in; that it’s normal for the craziness to wear off over time. I also hear that kids and jobs and health and hormones are the cause.
And yes, all those things are part of it. But to simply accept the inevitable decline of a good sex life and do nothing about it seems to be like giving up a part of life that can be an incredible source of closeness and just plain fun. To me, it’s like curling up and dying.
If you WANT to have a good sex life, it makes sense to get to the root of it. And beyond all of the reasons I just mentioned, there is something else that is hardly ever discussed, and that is resentment. When people have been together for years, there is often so much shit that’s built up between them that sexual intimacy becomes really challenging. Imagine that between two people is a giant pane of glass. And the emotional residue of past anger and hurt that’s never been resolved is like a bunch of mud caked all over the glass. After a while, you can’t even see each other. This accumulated junk is an enormous barrier to love, and to sex. As I heard a friend say once, “he doesn’t seem to get that I don’t want to have sex with someone I hate!”
That’s why the traditional advice to just have more sex, even when you don’t feel like it, just doesn’t work. Having sex with someone you can’t stand feels like a giant self betrayal. And it IS. It feels icky.
What we actually need to do is to start by clearing away the shit that has built up between us. Until we do THAT, all intimacy, including sexual intimacy, will be blocked. Instead of arguing over it or simply accepting the status quo, you can work on clearing away the giant barrier between you. Then see what happens.
HOW you clear away the shit is a process and is way beyond the scope of one blog post. You can begin by looking at the 10 step process to relieve resentment I wrote about last week. Getting a bit of relief helps but it’s only a first step. To learn how to really remove all the barriers to love (and sex), reply to this email and ask me how!
