10 Steps to Relief from Resentment
Resentment is a combination of anger, disappointment and hurt that builds up over time and becomes a wall we cannot get past to even see another person clearly, let alone feel love towards them. I’ve been there, and it sucks. If we don’t shift out of it, ultimately, the stress breaks down our bodies and our relationships.
If you want to feel better, and/or to improve your relationship, the only way to do it is to start dealing with those really difficult emotions first. No amount of talking it over with friends or with a therapist will help until you work directly with THAT.
The process I am describing below is not a one shot deal. Do not expect to do it once and never feel angry again. This is also not about “forgiveness”. This is about learning to soothe yourself in the moment, little by little. You can go back to it as many times as you need to. If you practice consistently, you WILL find relief.
Sit in a quiet place and bring to mind a situation that brings up difficult feelings for you.
Notice the feeling and call it by its name. For example, say “anger” or “resentment” or “hurt”.
Allow the feeling to be there. Really pay attention to how it feels in your body, and keep your attention on it. You can say to yourself, “allow”.
Breathe deeply, keeping all of your attention on the feeling itself. If a story or thought about the situation comes up, redirect your attention to the feeling in your body.
Keep breathing and feeling until you notice a shift.
Now, soothe yourself by saying something to yourself that you find nurturing. For example, “it’s ok” or “this shall pass” or “you are loved”.
Keep breathing and repeating the soothing words until you feel soothed, even if it’s only a little bit.
Get up and do something active, like jumping, dancing or taking a walk.
Notice how you felt before and after.
Repeat any time the anger comes up.
When we are angry at someone, we keep the feeling of anger going by repeating the story of what they did to us over and over again. The way out is to step out of the story and work with the feeling itself. You’ll notice over time that when you simply allow a feeling to be there, without paying attention to the story, the feeling leaves all on its own.
This step I just gave you is one of the very first tools I give to my clients when they come to work with me, because it provides such an immediate relief from suffering. It works great, but it’s only the beginning of really freeing yourself from the barriers to love.
I’d like to invite you to reach out to me to learn how I can help you go all the way towards relieving you of your pain and to having the kind of relationship and life you really do want.
