What’s Wrong With Couples’ Counseling
When I was struggling with my marriage, I dragged my husband to a couples’ counselor, hoping it would finally relieve some of the near-constant stress and resentment I was feeling. Inevitably, I’d walk out of the sessions feeling worse than when I’d gone in.
Here was the dynamic of the sessions: I would go in, complaining about something my husband was doing that I didn’t like, secretly hoping the counselor would agree with me and tell my husband how to shape up. My husband would sit there in stony silence. And then the therapist would respond with some version of “Adele, I hear you are feeling _____. How does that make you feel, husband?” My husband would then get even silent-er, (if that’s a thing), I’d become more frustrated than ever, and I’d walk out thinking divorce was the only option.
What I know now that I didn’t know then is that when we focus on trying to get the other person to change, it never, ever works. As in the example above, all it does is pisses the other person off and both people become more entrenched in their patterns.
What do we do then when the other person is causing us such angst? How do you communicate with someone who sits there like a stone wall? How do you love someone who’s being an ass?
What we do, no matter how the other person is showing up, is take all of our focus off the other person, and place it instead on ourselves. We have to be willing to take a hard look at how we are showing up in the relationship and contributing to the dynamic. We have to be willing to give up our old habits of behavior. And we have to be willing to learn new skills, such as communicating clearly and kindly.
In other words, we have to be willing to change ourselves. We change ourselves not because we are bad or wrong, but because we understand that every relationship rests on the foundation of the relationship we have with ourselves. So until we get that on solid footing, no relationship with another person will work.
When I work with couples, I work primarily with each individual so that each person has the opportunity to become aware of and shift their own patterns without the interference of the other. Then when they are ready, I bring the two together so they can share what they are learning with each other and practice new skills in the presence of someone who can hold them accountable.
Rather than going around in circles, repeating the same old arguments, blaming each other for the issues in the relationship, they create a new path and practice new skills together so that they can create a new normal.
Changing our patterns in relationships is hard. But so is staying stuck in an unhappy relationship. No matter how long you’ve been doing the same stuff, hoping for different results, old patterns can be unlearned and new, healthy ways of relating can happen. All it takes is willingness, the right tools and expert guidance.
