Can People Ever Change?
“Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.” - Mahatma Gandhi
My husband used to tell me, “people don’t change.” I used to argue that that’s simply not true; that people do change, all the time. What I realize now is he was actually saying “I don’t want to change, and stop trying to get me to!”
He was right; I was trying to get him to change. I was very unhappy in my relationship and although I worked very hard on myself, I actually did very much want for him to change so that the relationship would be better. And guess what… he never did! I am the one who changed.
The hard truth is that your life and your relationships will never, ever change unless YOU do. Ouch. I know. You’ve already tried so hard! Why does it all have to be on YOU? Why don’t they need to change, for a change?
Well, since you are the one who wants things to change, you are the one who must do it for yourself. And… yes, if the other person wants things to change, they must work on it, too. However, you only have control over you. So that is where we always begin. If you want something in your life to change, you have to start by changing yourself. Forget about changing them, and instead focus on yourself.
To understand how to do that, let’s start by looking at why we are the way we are; what a personality is made up of. It’s made up of our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. Underneath our thoughts, feelings and actions is a deeper, subconscious layer of beliefs. Our beliefs are the driver of nearly all our thoughts, feelings and actions.
It’s through our beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and actions that we end up “creating” our entire relationships and lives. If we are in a relationship, we “co-create” that relationship with the other person. Despite appearances, we aren’t ever in the kind of relationship or situation we are in because of bad luck or 100% because of the other person.
Here’s the thing: most of us wake up day after day thinking the exact same thoughts, feeling the exact same feelings, and doing the exact same things, yet hoping and praying that something in our lives will change. We hope and pray most often that other people will change so that we can then relax.
The truth of the matter is that wherever you go, there you are. So even if the other person DID miraculously change, you would still be the same person. This happens all the time when people stop drinking. The partner had been hoping and praying they’d stop, but when they do, they find they are still unhappy.
The way to change our relationships and our lives for the better is to change our thoughts, feelings and actions. The good news is that, no matter how old you are, this is possible.
How? We work with ourselves, gently and kindly, one step at a time. We learn to work with emotions rather than running from them or pushing them down. We learn to think more objectively and to Perhaps most importantly, we work on dismantling the old, subconscious beliefs that are keeping us stuck. When we do all of that, we can act in ways that support the kinds of relationships we truly want to have. We learn to communicate better. We develop better habits. When we do all of those things, it’s inevitable that our relationships and our lives change, because WE have changed.
I do believe that people change. They change when they are willing to, and when they work with someone who has the right tools and experience to show them the way.
