10 Ways to Fix the 2 Biggest Relationship Mistakes

Yesterday I reread a letter I had written to read to my husband during a couples’ counseling session back in 2015.  It was my final attempt at changing the dynamic between us that left me feeling unheard, misunderstood, frustrated, disconnected and resentful.  I noticed two things about the letter. First, I did a good job of communicating my distress without blaming or criticizing.  I was proud of 2015 me. 

Second… nine years later, with the benefit of the wisdom I’ve gained, I can look at the underlying message of the letter with an objectivity I didn’t have back then.  I may have said it nicely, but what I was really saying is  “I need for you to change so that I can feel better.”

This underlying message is the number one mistake that I made, and is the number one mistake that almost everyone on earth makes when it comes to relationships.  It is a mistake because a) we cannot ever, under any circumstances, “get” anyone to change b) the attempt to get another person to change (through controlling actions and words) only creates resistance in the other person, which is the dynamic of every fight there’s ever been  and c) the yearning to have someone else change creates internal misery for the wanter of change. 

In other words,  wanting someone else to change, even when we don’t voice it, creates suffering. The only way to not suffer is to accept other people, totally and completely, for who they are and to drop trying to change them. 

This brings me to my second mistake. Fully accepting others does not mean that we have to “suck it up” and ignore what we need and want for ourselves.  When we try to ignore what we need and want, we die inside.  Today I have so much compassion for the younger me as a woman who desperately needed to be heard, understood and loved, and had ignored those needs for far too long.  Those are completely normal things to need in a relationship.  And because I didn’t have them, I was at the end of my rope. 

What do we DO about it then, when we don’t have what we need and want in a relationship if we are supposed to accept others for who they are?  Are we supposed to never ask anyone for anything?

This is a question I asked myself many, many times.  And now I know the answers. 

1. First, we must accept that we do have needs.  And we need to learn to distinguish the healthy needs from the unhealthy ones.  

2. We must learn to identify what we feel and what we need. 

3. We must learn to give ourselves what we need, first and foremost.  No one can give us what we ourselves lack inside.

4. We must learn to make requests of others to partner with us in meeting our needs and desires. There is a big difference between making a request and issuing a demand. 

5. We must learn how to respond when someone says “no” to a request we’ve made.

6. We must learn to fully accept others as they are. 

7. We must give others the dignity of choosing to behave and believe as they choose.

8. We must embrace our own power to choose what’s best for ourselves.

9. We must take the focus off the other person’s flaws and place all our focus on being the kind of person we need to be in order to have the kind of relationship we want. 

10. We must learn that not every relationship is going to work out in the long term and truly be ok with that. 

It comes down to letting everyone be who they are, including ourselves.  When we let go of trying to change others and simultaneously learn to give ourselves what we need, we may find that our relationships straighten themselves out.  We may also find that we are in a relationship with someone who cannot or will not be a true partner. Sometimes, doing the deep work means you decide it’s best for you to end it.   In either case, you will have transformed yourself and the relationship from one with a cycle of ignored needs and blame to one of acceptance and personal fulfillment.