Is It the Worst Thing to Ever Happen… or the Best?

I knew someone I’ll call Laura whose husband left her for his 20 year younger, far hotter secretary.  To make matters worse, after he skipped town on her, she found out the secretary was pregnant. Laura had been through many rounds of IVF and had never gotten pregnant.  She also had gained 30 pounds in the process. So you can imagine what an enormous slap in the face this was.  

After that, Laura understandably didn’t trust men.  She finally started dating a few years later but had one bad experience after the next.  She finally gave up on dating.  She felt angry about being ripped off for the rest of her life.  She felt sorry for herself and frankly wasn’t a fun person to be around so her friends stopped hanging out with her too.  She became depressed and drank two bottles of wine a night to drown her sorrows.  If you asked Laura what happened to her, she’d say her asshole of an ex had ruined her life. 

I knew someone else I’ll call Lisa whose husband also left her for his younger secretary.  She also found out the secretary was pregnant.  She also had been through IVF, felt fat and unattractive and had no children of her own.  It was an enormous slap in the face for her too.  

Lisa didn’t trust men after her experience, either.  She had some early bad experiences dating and started to wonder if it had something to do with her divorce. She started seeing a really great coach and committed to doing whatever she needed to to change her life.  She started to see all the ways in which she’d been trying to “play nice” in order to keep the man who didn’t really value her, and had completely lost herself in the process. 

 She read whatever her coach suggested. She began meditating every day and started to find a bit of peace in the chaos. She found a new job that she loved.  She learned to dance salsa. She started playing the piano again.  She was fun to be around, and she made new, amazing friends.  She started dating some men who weren’t perfect but were pretty good.  Then she met Mike, a wonderful man who adored her and showed her from day one how trustworthy he was.  They eventually got married, adopted two dogs, traveled the world, and were blissfully happy.   If you asked Lisa how she’d gotten so lucky she’d laugh and say that her husband leaving her was the best thing that ever happened to her. 

What was the difference between Laura and Lisa?  Really only two things.  Laura stayed mired in victimhood.  She blamed her ex for all of her issues.  Lisa, on the other hand,  got curious and rather than blaming her ex, she committed to changing her own life.  

These aren’t real women but they may as well be.  These are the kinds of stories I hear over and over again. My clients who transform are like Lisa.  They are curious and committed to change, as hard as that may be.  The people I know who don’t transform (not my clients, because my clients are without fail like Lisa) are those who blame and never commit to changing, because they think they can’t or it’s too hard.  

Is the worst thing to ever happen actually the best? It can be, as long as you decide it is.