“This Guy Is Toxic!”
“If you betray yourself you are no different from the people who hurt you.”
-Caroline Myss
I recently was shown a chat between approximately ten women who had dated the same man at different points in time. These women had banded together to tell each other their stories about this guy. They described how he had love bombed, manipulated, and gaslighted. He was described as narcissistic, egotistical and toxic.
While it’s entirely possible that the guy IS everything they describe, what is definitely true is that these women are taking zero responsibility for their own part in the drama they describe.
Because the truth of the matter is that no matter how someone else shows up, no one is ever holding us captive. It’s 100% up to us to choose with whom we spend our time. So if we continue hanging around with someone who is showing up in a way we don’t like, that’s on us, not on them.
So the real question is, what is it within US that keeps us in relationship (and by that, I mean any type of relationship) that we know isn’t good for us? And what is it within US that then blames that person for being exactly as they are?
If we didn’t grow up seeing and experiencing great relationships, being with someone who doesn’t relate in a healthy way seems “normal” to us. We don’t pick up on the signs that someone isn’t truly available for us. We convince ourselves that people are something other than what they are. Then we are angry with them for being who they are.
Our childhood experiences then lead us to form deep, unconscious beliefs about ourselves that go something like this: “I am not worthy of a great relationship”. “A truly great relationship isn’t available to me”.
The key to having a fulfilling, healthy relationship is to work on those deep seated beliefs within ourselves. Because without those, we will continue to stick around in situations and with people that don’t feel good.
Otherwise, we are betraying ourselves, and then we are no better than the person who hurt us.
