Can I Be Happy When My Kid Isn’t?

Recently, when one of my kids was struggling, someone quoted me that bit of self-evident wisdom: "you're only as happy as your least happy kid".

Is that necessarily true? And more importantly, is it a helpful? Is it a healthy perspective to have?

The truth is that we have very little control over whether or not anyone else is happy. And as much as we don't like to admit it, that extends to our offspring.

And when we believe that we can only be happy when they are happy, we try to control the uncontrollable (teenagers!).

That's why we yell, we punish, we worry, we say things we regret.

Because we are trying in a misguided way to do the things we think we need to do to make them into happy human beings (with the unconscious subtext "so that then I can be happy").

Not only does it not work, it makes everyone miserable. No child wants the responsibility for their parent's happiness. It's too much of a burden for them, and leads, paradoxically, to even more unhappiness for them!

We cannot make our kids happy, no matter what we try. Some kids are going to be depressed, anxious, do drugs, end up in jail or even homeless. It happens.

So does that mean if are kids aren't doing well, we are doomed to unhappiness?

Absolutely not.

That's because our kids aren't responsible for our happiness; WE are.

When our kids aren't doing well, what is creating our unhappiness isn't THEM; it's our thoughts about it.

If we believe we can't or shouldn't be happy if our kids aren't, that's how we will feel. If we believe our happiness is our own responsibility, then we can be happy.

I am responsible for my own happiness. And no one can take that from me, not even my kids.

And I know that not only makes me happier, it makes me a MUCH better Mom.