Should I Stay or Should I Go?
It takes a ton of courage and resilience to stay and work through issues in a relationship. It also takes a ton of courage and resilience to leave the relationship when the time is right. Knowing which path is the right one for you takes wise discernment. And wise discernment can be a very difficult thing to come by.
On the one hand, we value sticking to our commitments; to family, to the safety and security that marriage provides. On the other hand, we value the promise of personal happiness and freedom that divorce provides. And when honoring both sets of values becomes mutually exclusive, which side will win out? How do you choose between honoring one really important value over the other?
Do you look to others for advice? Do you go to therapy? Or do you accept “this is just how it is” and give up the idea entirely that anything will change?
In my own quest to make the “right decision” I tried all of the above and then some. And since I began working with others on this issue I see others do the same.
One thing that will not bring you any closer to “the decision” is continually thinking about the problem. All that does is actually dig you in deeper. We like to believe that the more we ponder something, the clearer we will get. But that’s like sitting in a rocking chair, thinking you are going somewhere. It just gets you tired. So the first item of business: take “the decision” off the table for a period of time. (That doesn’t mean to do nothing and live in denial. It just means to stop the insanity of continually thinking about it while you are doing the items suggested below).
Another thing that won’t get you any closer is asking others for advice. No person, no matter how well-meaning could tell you what’s the best choice for you.
A surprise thing that will probably not get you any closer: couples’ therapy. That’s because in couples’ therapy there is rarely a focus on individual happiness and responsibility but rather on “keeping the couple together”. If you can find a therapist who TRULY wants to help you make a good decision for each of you individually as well as a couple, that could work well.
What WILL get you closer to knowing what to do: Improving first the relationship you have with yourself.
Why? Unless you know yourself, love and respect yourself and trust yourself to make great choices, you will never be able to make the decision that’s in your best interest.
What this might look like:
Find a very good individual relationship coach or therapist who is fully committed to helping guide you toward your own truth.
Get ery honest with yourself. Behind all the expectations you have of yourself (and others have of you), what are you actually feeling and thinking?
Do the necessary work on yourself to learn how you, however innocently and unknowingly, have contributed to the dynamic in the relationship and then work to change your patterns.
Learn how to love and respect yourself enough to do what’s best for you; not just for everyone else.
Learn to trust yourself to make the best decisions for yourself.
Sounds great, right? But HOW do you do that? You can try it on your own, but despite my love of good self help books, you will almost certainly need guidance on what is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. A very good therapist or coach can show you the way. There are so many practices, from self compassion tools to meditation to journaling to simply asking the right questions that we can use to help you discern what’s best for YOU.
At the end of the day, after getting your relationship with YOU on solid ground, you may find that you want to work on your relationship with your partner. And you may find that you really want to leave and start a new life. Either way, the most important relationship in your life– your relationship with YOU will be a good one. And that means you can be proud of yourself no matter what.
