My Cure for Perfectionism
I am someone who loves to have lighthearted fun. I love to feel free, to travel and explore, and as a result, I’ve done some really cool stuff in my life.
I am also someone who has held myself back in so many ways out of a fear of criticism and judgment. I have been so afraid of sounding stupid or looking silly. I have so often taken a long time to make decisions. I have “played small”. What’s underneath it all is a big fear of rejection. And what would rejection mean? It would mean that I am bad and defective. It would mean that I’d be alone in my defectiveness.
I have not shared my real self so many times and in so many ways. I used to be deathly afraid of public speaking. I have held back my true feelings for others. I have been afraid to tell people what I really think. I have been afraid of going for what I truly desire in work and in life. I have been a grade A procrastinator.
At some point, I realized that my fears were holding me back from having the kind of life that I truly desire. What’s underneath that fear of rejection is someone who is at heart a free, fun, loving, happy being. With that realization, and a lot of work on myself, I gradually stopped caring nearly so much about what others think. Turning 40, then 50, had a lot to do with that.
I took a public speaking class that largely cured me of that fear. I learned to be vulnerable with people close to me, even when it’s scary. I’ve learned that my thoughts are worth sharing, even when people disagree. I have started going for things that I truly desire, even when they don’t seem practical. I still procrastinate. Yet I find that even that is often less about “procrastination” than honoring what’s truly important to me.
I’ve changed over the years, for sure. But more recently, I found that even despite all of my growth, something has been off. I’ve been so SERIOUS about decisions, especially in terms of relationships and work. I’ve still been afraid of “getting it wrong”.
It wasn’t until a BRILLIANT email landed in my inbox that I finally discovered how that little piece of perfectionism was still hanging on.
This email was from a coach named Simone Grace Seoul. She is outspoken and brave in a really fun, creative way that I admire so much.
In her email, which I am paraphrasing here… she said to start viewing your life as an EXPERIMENT. She said our job is to “just fuck around” and see how it goes. And if we mess up… who cares? We will learn something and can try again.
I can’t believe I didn’t see it like this before! If we view everything through a lens of “it’s all an experiment”, there is no room for criticism of ourselves or others. It’s not about getting it right. It’s about trying stuff out and learning.
That simple mindset shift is freeing me from the shackles of perfectionism.
So now I am experimenting with things that I am pretty sure I won’t “get right”, but what the hell? WHO ACTUALLY CARES? Literally no one.
I am writing. I am hosting a retreat in the Bahamas that has nothing to do with my chosen “niche”. I am planning a long hiking trip to Europe. I am spending lots of time alone, exploring anything that sounds interesting to me. And I’m saying no whenever I feel like saying no.
And I don’t care what anyone thinks about what I’m doing. I don’t even care if anyone reads what I write or looks at my photos from my travels. All I care about is that I am doing the things that light ME up. I’d rather mess up than die wondering why I lived with so much fear.
Doesn’t that sound like freedom? Doesn’t that sound a lot more FUN?
